I was talking to my 88 year old mother, she's been having visions which she is very frightened of. When I say Vision, I mean visitations of the spirit world. Nothing "Nasty" mostly they appear to be wanting to help. A dream come true...right? Wrong, she's still frightened. Why? Because now my Mom is no longer normal, lol but believe me she never was. She's the sweetest most wonderful lady you or anyone would ever want to meet. Still she is frightened and she told me that she didn't want it.
Years prior to this I talk to my Elder Uncle Jake, "I'm so scared all the time?"
He laughed and said, "You can get off the Bus, but can you watch it go?"
Thats all he said. Nothing more nothing less. It was so aggravating. Didn't he care that I was constantly shitting myself with fear. Arrrgh Indigenous wisdom aarrrrgh. WTF was I suppose to do after hearing that?
And so I shared the story with my Mum, who said what I was thinking years ago before her and probably you are thinking the same thing now. There are no tricks, no blue pills or red pills or any pills at all to cure the incurable.
You can get off the Bus at anytime but then you have to give up it all because its life (and why should it be any different from the rest of life) if you are hiking a beautiful Mountain, its extreme, its magic, its out of this world BUT be careful its dangerous, with wild things lurking everywhere and in a moments notice...you could fall and hurt your self, or worse. That's life and it doesn't change when you are in the spirit world either. So if you don't want to be hurt...don't climb the mountain.
I know what you're saying right now, but your Mum didn't choose to be in the spirit world. Yes BUT she IS. So..."You can step off the Bus but can you watch it go?" Which means that if you want to let it go you have to give it all up, like I said before, BUT what is the big deal? You give up all the great parts of the gift, you give it all up, not just parts of it. You can't just give up all the uncomfortable parts and keep all the warm fuzzy parts, like being able to guess the Lotto numbers, or to tell if someones going to have a baby, boy or girl, or a thousand other neat tricks that happen daily. Nope if the bus goes...everything goes and you will be absolutely normal.
I know, I know what your saying NOW..."Duende you don't understand! You have no Idea how much pain and fear I'm in. I scared to go to sleep. Or to drive down the highway for fear of seeing some ghost on the side of the road, or going to a party and talking to people I can only see?"
I have been so scared in my life, of things that go boom in the night, or snicker, or creak, or laugh or....I was petrified to go to close my ears for fear of seeing something, or so one. I have been hunted by Nasty Bits of Business aka Demons, Hounds of Baskerville, by Hooded Assassins, by Aliens (not all are Nasty) and woken up to Black Spiders Huge on my ceiling and I'm pretty sure it did not want to cradle me back to sleep. I was out of my mind with fear, white knuckle fear. At the age of 35 I woke up from a dream that scared me so badly I had to go and sleep on the floor in my friends room.
I've tried stopping it all, many times. Running from it, drugs, alcohol..alone and sometimes together. The difficulty with this is because I was a sensitive, I would just get sick which made my predicament that much worse. Its funny now but then I was desperate, like my Mum, like you? Yes?
I prayed to everyones God, it didn't matter who, I just wanted it to all go away, well not all just the Nasty stuff. It sorta worked, for about 6 months and then it was back. Arrrrrgh. It was a living night mare. I had the gift it wasn't supposed to be like this? Well I lived in Suburbia and I had no one to talk to (except for my amazing Mother) but she was a good listener but could not provide me with any advice. I was being hunted (to be killed) at night which was terrifying and during the day I would see dead people on the side of the Highway. Or I'd feel everyones thoughts at school, or at work. When I was a Education Aide I worked in a School of 2100 students and staff, and I knew them all, I could feel/sense them...INTENSE? Oh yeah! No where to turn, no way to get help. I was in panic! Oh I might have had Wise Old Dead people trying to help me but I couldn't hear them I was to busy running away with my hands over my ears and eyes, bumping into things that go "Boo in the night!!"
So if you think your story is any different than that of my Mum's or mine....I think not.
At 30 I met Indigenous Elders, which was calming because I no longer had to pretend that I was normal (that's the worst) I could be me and it didn't scare them. Did I tell you how many people I've scared the begeezes out of? ALOT! No the Elders would just laugh a knowing laugh when I talked about the things I saw. Did they say much? No...its not their way. Support and Love and Kindness in silent prayer and vigil, Yes tons. That was helpful.
I remember a conversation with my Elder Aunty Nora who said, "If you don't do your medicine, it will make you sick." Now what did she mean? She meant you can shut everything down and choose normal. Get off the Bus, watch it go away but if you do that...you'll get spirit sick, sad and become just a husk of a human being, more normal than normal. Oh and tell me of one normal person who is really happy and not just pretending to be happy.
So what to do. Here's a news flash...YOU CAN'T MAKE IT STOP....sorry to break to you.
So what to do? I came up with it, I had an awhaw moment. I had to take full RESPONSIBILITY for who I was, what I wanted to do with my "GIFT". I started to manage it myself. I read books, I talked to any Elder who would talk to me. LOL oh and by the way, they don't talk. I dug and sleuth every movie, stream piece of information I could get my hands on, I started to calm myself through the prayer (yes prayer but non-religious for me) and meditation it started to work.(I just wrote this and I thought...nice Duende they're freaking out and you tell them to meditate and pray...lol. Okay not that helpful I realise. Try if you can to go to that quiet place deep inside you. If you sit in the day, and in your imagination go to the quietist part of who you are. Its like being the river, its fast and your in the rapids, now let your self go over the water fall and plunge deeper as you fall over, and keep going down to the bottom, and down at the bottom, there is quiet with all the crashing water but at the bottom you will find a quiet place and ....still. I was once scuba diving in Hawaii and was just under the rip tide, under the waves crashing feet above my head, and there, there was a stillness so quiet, so peaceful and I recognized it,,,the stillness...and it the quiet recognized..me...and my stillness and quiet...it recognized...my peace your peace...your heart. There is that more helpfull? Go to that place as often as you can. Everyday it possible, or at least three times a week. Or if you get freaked out, overwhelmed, throw off your game. There that should be easy than saying something as ambiguious as telling you to mediate. My apologize.)
I then began to not rely on anyone and started to practice good strong boundaries with extreme kindness and stopped fighting the Nasty's (fighting is failed outcomes) but healing them, oh boy, now that was and still is a revolutionary idea, it works so well that the Nasty's avoid me now at all costs.
So now what do you do. Be kind to your self. You are doing so well, your still alive are you? You are a hell of a survivor. You are a person with the Gift and you've survived without anyone's help. Way to go!! And when you are finished congratulating your self and Please, please, please do...take some time and when you are ready read every blog I've written. I created a path in my writings...Find it...if you want to find a better way. Not my way...a way....for everyone, no matter, race, color or spiritual belief ...everyone is welcome.
It won't be easy, nothing in life ever is. Work hard, be disciplined, practice, practice, and then every-once and a while it'll shift, that's all I can offer you, its not much but its alot and I guarantee its a better life...you can manage your Gift, you can manage the Dream... you can do it.
Duende Naddred 2020 (c)
